During the summer of 2010, my husband and I decided to get a divorce. It was a decision that followed several years of struggle, ups and downs, effort, and evolution. It was a happy decision, and one we both felt good about. We parted amicably, for the most part, and both of our daughters seemed to be accepting of our decision.
There were many mental and emotional advantages for me at the time, and overall, I became happier than I ever had been before, as an adult. I openly and actively celebrated and appreciated those advantages with my entire heart and soul. I would not take back my old situation for anything. However, sharing the good in this situation is not all I sat down to write about.
With single mamahood comes a whole new set of challenges and struggles. Because change always brings with it a sense of fear, accepting this new lifestyle created some stress, while challenging me in ways I had never before experienced. I did my best to embrace the situation with an air of confidence, while also reminding myself that these new struggles would not become permanent in our new lifestyle. I tried to always “feel my feelings,” express them in appropriate ways, and “embrace the darkness” – all of the advice I would give to anyone else going through such a situation. But, inevitably, there were still times when I felt lost, spun out, or scared.
How could I be okay when directly facing uncertainty? I did not know how I could possibly facilitate the learning for which my children were yearning. It was another struggle to imagine the difference in caring for an infant who would be out of my custody for 12 hours every week. On top of that, there was juggling the endless amount of emails and paperwork, keeping the dishes, clothes, floor, toilets, and bodies clean, all while making enough money to support our already frugal lifestyle. I had to consider my new life, and find a way to manage all of its new complexities; how would I balance the desire of being a gypsy while remaining grounded? How would I navigate getting to know myself, and becoming my own life partner? Oh, and I can’t forget – how would I do all of this, and still remember to have fun once in a while? Ad infinitum…
I also found that I was often faced with choices, having to decide between things that should not be sacrificed. One example of this is deciding whether or not to sleep at night. Following my divorce, I would get around 20 hours less sleep per week than I used to. That hurt my physical body, and it hurt my relationship with my kids. Yet, at the time, it seemed like the best solution for meeting all of my obligations. I hated that, but it was part of the process of paving my new lifestyle.
As a Life and Parenting Coach, it may appear, on the outside, that I always have everything figured out – that I never experience stress, strain, problems, or emotional turmoil. Well, that isn’t the case, and I don’t want anyone to think that I’m “perfect” when I’m not.
I am, however, really good at maintaining a positive mental attitude, and as someone who, by nature and career choice, has a desire to uplift others and lead by example, I don’t often show that shadow-y side of myself. But sometimes, you have to go through the fire to get to the water, as Rumi would say. And going through a divorce brought about some of those times for me. In other words, in order to get to the uplifting place, you have to muck around in the valley. And that’s what I did. I’ll admit it was sticky and unpleasant there, but it was also humbling, strengthening, and heart-wrenchingly beautiful. Not to mention, it was also much more suitable for my kids and myself than that other set of hills and valleys over there that I was previously traversing. For that, I could be extremely grateful.
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Michelle Mersy, C.P.C. wrote this article in 2010. She is the mother of two wonderful children (who experienced some emotional depths with the divorce too), and a certified Life and Parenting Coach. She affirms, “Stop just wishing things could be different. They can be, if YOU do something different. Coaching will make that difference.”
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