“We’re having a baby!”
We’ve all heard these words from a loved one – friend, family member, or significant other. Of course, a huge “Congratulations!” and hugs-all-around usually follow, but after that, what comes to mind? Most of us instantly think not of Dad, but Mom: baby showers, pregnancy, and What to Expect When You’re Expecting. After the baby arrives there’s: Mommy & Me Classes, & breastfeeding or formula?
Even after the kids are older, “Moms get together with their kids and a lot of dads just don’t,” observes Mike Emerson, of Bay City. A single father of three girls, he explains, “Men think, ‘I have to be the breadwinner.’ So they lose themselves in their work.”
However, Mike, along with many other fathers in the Great Lakes Bay region, feels it is important to be involved and to encourage other dads to have a strong role in their childrens’ lives. “I am learning to let the laundry wait, and cherish every moment I can, to be someone they go to for stability,” affirms Emerson.
In fact, recent comparative research suggests that a father’s love contributes as much – if not more than – a mother’s involvement in their childrens’ lives. (Montreal Gazette, Personality and Social Psychology Review)
“There aren’t many things more important in life than your kids,” states Vince Leveille, of Vassar. As a coach, high school teacher, and father of two teenagers, Leveille feels that motivation and inspiration are critical when being involved in kids’ lives throughout the formative years and into adolescence.
Even so, many children do bond with their mothers during the early stages, and some people argue that we are wired that way – children to connect to their mothers, and mothers to children. But whether that is true or not, doesn’t have to dictate how the father-child relationship will go. “I don’t feel like there are as many men who are given the example as a young boy, to know what to do with a baby or kid,” offers Scott Keyes, of Auburn. However, it can start with the simple things. “With my toddlers, I get them involved in my ‘man jobs’ – like changing the oil in the car. I enjoy music and the outdoors, so I bring them to activities like Tunes at the Tridge, and Dow Gardens.”
These dads all work outside the home, but not every father fits this stereotype. Matt Heck, a stay-at-home dad of Saginaw, has his hands full taking care of two children under the age of three while his wife goes to work during the week. Having formerly worked 40-60 hours per week in a labor-intense job with a long commute, and little time at home, Matt compares the two: “Being a stay-at-home parent is not the same as not working. There are some days when it is more challenging to my patience to be here at home than the hardest job at my workplace.” It’s worth it, though. “Now that I am able to spend more time with them, I get to see their ‘firsts,’ I am more patient, and better able to put life into perspective.”
Still, unless life’s circumstances throw you into fatherhood full-throttle, sometimes it’s tough for dads to step up to the plate. James Nesbit, of St. Charles, is a single dad, and father of two teenagers, who came out as homosexual six years ago, and knows the difficulty of not automatically being accepted. “As a gay dad in the community, you’re not going to fit in right away,” states Nesbit. “But it’s not about labels. Once I got to the point where I was okay with me, I felt more confident, and others were more comfortable too.”
This concept applies to all dads in the Great Lakes Bay area, regardless of employment, sexual orientation, or partnership status. “It shouldn’t be emasculating to be a dude and a dad at the same time,” says Keyes. “Men need to be proud that they’re dads – bringing kids to activities, showing affection in public.”
We know it’s fulfilling for fathers, and for their families, but sometimes difficult to put into practice. Many fathers appreciate the availability of resources like Life and Parent Coaching, and Great (Lakes Bay) Moms, to encourage and promote fathers’ participation and involvement. So how do we, as a community, do even more to really help dads become involved?
The resounding answer is ‘more programs geared towards fathers’ and ‘building awareness’. In some hospitals, “New Dad groups” are offered and funding allows for “Proud Fathers” classes through the state, but these opportunities are few and far-between, and a lot of dads don’t know they exist. These dads state that events tailored specifically toward dads, whether it’s a Dad-N-Me playgroup in the football field or park, or a Daddy-Daughter Dinner Day at the local pizza place, community businesses and nonprofits would do well to offer more to encourage fathers to spend time with their kids.
Nesbit agrees that expectations play a large role: that is, what is expected from your partner, your kids, and your community. However, the greatest expectation is that which one places upon oneself. When asked what would help dads to become more involved, Leveille sums it up with, “Two words: Be There.”
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Michelle Mersy, C.P.C. is the mother of two wonderful children, and a certified Life and Parenting Coach. She affirms, “Stop just wishing things could be different. They can be, if YOU do something different. Coaching will make that difference.”
989-397-8386 ~ [email protected]
www.MichelleMersy.com