By: Jen Wainwright
My birthday is around the corner.
I’m far from having it all figured out, for sure, but with almost 36 years under my belt, 9 years of parenting (with an added bonus of twins), over 15 years of step-parenting, 16 years in a committed relationship, a college degree, multiple jobs and a decade of freelance writing… I know more than once I did. We all do. And we learn something new every day…
Celebrating 36 trips around the sun, here are 10 Things I’ve learned thus far:
(1)Your perception of anything…is everything.
It started to rain today, and I saw it as a good thing. I thought about how it would water my vegetable garden and flowers, and I didn’t have to. Yet, in the same instant, I drove past a construction worker just as he peered up into the rain with disdain. His face said it all. Rain to him meant his job would be put on pause — and so would his paycheck.
Rain is rain. It doesn’t change. The only thing that changes is how one perceives it. That becomes your truth. Your perception…of anything…is everything.
(2) The more you make, the more you spend.
My partner and I have a good friend who makes quadruple what we do. Yet he’s always worried about finances. He’s quick to point out that while he has a large, wonderful home and upscale furniture and, and, and — the mortgage is steep. The huge lawn that accompanies the house – he has no time to maintain it because he’s always working. He pays for lawn maintenance. Three cars. A boat. A cabin. You name, he owns…and pays for it. I know this because he talks about money constantly.
In lean times, I can’t help but think it’d be nice to have more. And then I think of him…Working with less can be stressful, no doubt. But having more…doesn’t guarantee less stress.
(3) Parenting gets easier, and harder.
At 9 and twins, 5, we’ve graduated from “the trenches” of sleepless nights, teething, diapers and strollers. And in many ways, life is easier. I can go to a park and watch my kids play (rather than fear for their lives as they toddled in every direction and I scrambled to keep up with them). I can leave the room (remember those days?). I sleep now.
And yet, as I sat with my daughter, distraught and in tears at the growing and changing of a friendship – as my gut ached for the pain she felt that I could do very little to remove – I sensed…how parenting gets harder. And it was simply foreshadowing of what’s to come. Teen years and evil, middle school girls. First loves, and heartaches. I’m sure our own parents could speak to the truth of this one…Parenting gets easier, and harder.
(4) It’s all always worth it.
Somewhere in our thirties, perhaps, or maybe at some imaginary line we cross in our relationships and marriages, we begin to understand what everyone is saying when they say, “Marriage takes work” or “Happiness is a choice”. Mmmhmmm. Check. Easy to slam doors, walk out of a room after having the last word…with your spouse…with your kids. Ooh, but walking back into the room takes a bit more of you.
And it’s worth it. (Every thirty-something, married-for-a-minute parent out there reading this is nodding…) Every conversation. Every “I’m sorry”. Every “Let’s try that again”…leads to every family movie night, camping trip and…It’s all always worth it.
(5) You’ll never like everything about anyone.
Friends. Your partner. Even your kids. With any relationship – any relationship – you’re bound to receive some amazing, wonderful things, and equally have to deal with some not-so-wonderful things. This friend is fun, but rude. Your partner is funny, but talks too much. Or not enough. Or not at the right times. Whatever it is – the truth is, if you actually know and love someone…you’re going to get the good and the crappy qualities that make up every person.
And you’re better off once you acknowledge that your friends and family get the very same equation in knowing and loving you. And when you simply find yourself grateful for the good, the bad and the ugly that you get with any relationship.
(6) “Turn Down for What”
Before this song came out and began blowing 6×9’s across the globe, I was driving in our van when I noticed the blank, bored expressions on my kids’ faces. I cranked up the radio. But Jack Johnson wasn’t doing it at that moment. I pulled out some Rage Against the Machine, a little Ice Cube, some Eminem…and blasted it like a 30-something-mama shouldn’t. Or should. Really. That’s what I’m saying. I swear my youngest daughter’s eyes never shine so bright as when she’s dancing hard and sweating with me to Mumford and Sons on a random night in the kitchen of our home. Turn Down for What. We all need a little Loud to get through this Life.
(7) Sometimes…you just have to lock the door.
At one point, my partner had gone on thirds working 11 p.m. – 7 a.m. When a good friend of mine – a friend who’s been married for over 30 years and through plenty of swing shifts and life’s curveballs – asked me how things were going, I said, “We’re ships passing in the sea right now. He goes to work when I’m getting ready for bed. He goes to sleep when I wake up. There’s dinner…and bathtime…”
She locked eyes with me and said, “Get a lock for your bedroom door, Jen.”
I knew what she was saying. We all know…what she was saying. Sometimes kids and family and responsibility and running a household and paying the bills…can become life. Junior’s braces, or Sally’s sleepover or tomorrow’s to-do list becomes the priority. But sometimes you just have to get right the center of your life… and keep right what makes everything about the rest of your world…right.
Sometimes, parents…you just have to lock the door.
JEN’S ZEN
— Because (8) the damn dishes are never done. (9) Laundry is a cruel joke. And because (10) children are beautiful lessons in Patience and Counting. 10, 9, 8, 7 Breathe…
Jen is a freelance writer, parent to three, and she’s been a stepparent for over 15 years. She is well-equipped to discuss and write about the great, and the not-so-great, details of all-things-parenting. Along with spending quality time with her family, Jen enjoys music, chocolate, camping and relaxing. And laughing!