A Common Parenting Woe
Question: My child has been starting to have tantrums. Sometimes there’s a clear reason why, but other times there is not. I realize she is still young, but I’m worried about her continually embracing this behavior as acceptable.
Michelle Answers:
Here are just a few words of understanding, and an idea that might help.
Like all parents, I too have witnessed some very strong bursts of emotional expression from my children. They have yelled, gotten upset about my behavior, wanted to do something in their own way, in their own time, on their own terms, etc. But after dealing with several outbursts, I remember having a sort of epiphany that shifted my perspective – I realized that by resisting these strong emotions, I might have actually been making the situations worse. Kids pick up on tension, and during these outbursts, my whole body was tense, I would nearly hold my breath until it was over, and my mind would race, analyzing every possibly scenario to make it stop.
So what caused this shift in perspective? I got centered. It became clear that I appreciated and loved my daughter even though she was behaving in such a way. And from that clear place in my mind, it became easier for me to decide how to react.
I am not here to tell you what to do when your child tantrums. There are enough people out there who will gladly tell you what to do. Rather, what I seek to do is to help you find the answers from within yourself – to help you decide what you want to do from a grounded, centered, and loving place.
So how exactly do you find that peaceful place when your kid is throwing a hissy fit? To start, find things to appreciate about the shouting & emoting. I know, it sounds a little out-there, but there really is something incredibly life-giving about being able to feel something and express it so fully (How many of us adults feel unable to do that?). It’s also an incredible blessing to be so clear on what you don’t want, and how that feels. Over time, that’s what helps a person get clear idea of what is wanted! And isn’t it wonderful that this child is so exuberant, and full of energy and life!
It is also helpful to assess the situation from her perspective; she is doing her best to express herself, she just doesn’t know how to ask for what she wants, and set boundaries in a socially acceptable way. Many adults even have difficulty with such a thing! I believe it is not our job to “train” our kids to act a certain way, but rather to teach them that it is okay to have strong feelings, and to then help them find appropriate ways of expressing those feelings.
It is important to realize however, that by practicing this approach to tantrums does not mean that you must tolerate this unwanted behavior, or allow it to continue. However, this is often dependent on multiple variables, such as the child, the kind of tantrum, and the location. Sometimes it is best to tolerate the outburst, and sometimes it’s not.
But starting with appreciation really helps. When I can appreciate what my daughter is experiencing, and I am clear about my own boundaries, then it is much easier to decipher an appropriate reaction. Maybe it’s a hug, or even just sitting in presence with my child. Maybe ignoring the fit is best, or removing your kid (or both of you) from the situation is more appropriate. Maybe we go outside, or have some change of venue, or maybe I continue what I’m doing, and allow her to have her own space. Maybe there is a truly valid reason for her expression. Perhaps it could even be that she was sensing my own resistance, and now that I’m no longer resisting, neither is she! When we recognize resistance in ourselves, and release it, so many creative possibilities are unleashed.
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Michelle Mersy, C.P.C. is the mother of two wonderful children (all three of us have our tantrums sometimes), and a certified Life and Parenting Coach. She affirms, “Stop just wishing things could be different. They can be, if YOU do something different. Coaching will make that difference.”
989-397-8386 ~ [email protected]
www.MichelleMersy.com