Step-In-Parenting: Harmonious Stepfamilies

Jen is a work-at-home mom, parent to three, and she’s been a stepparent for over 15 years. She is well-equipped to discuss and write about the great, and the not-so-great, details of all-things-parenting. Along with spending quality time with her family, Jen enjoys music, chocolate, camping and relaxing. And laughing!

Step-In-Parenting: Harmonious Stepfamilies

According to the website www.stepfamily.org,

1300 new stepfamilies are forming every day.
Over 50% of US families are remarried or re-coupled.

I was very young when I became a stepmom—a mere 20 years old. I fell in love with a man who had two children, ages two and four. In complete and naïve honesty, I didn’t think much about my role as a stepparent. His children simply came with the package. I found them fun, cute and I enjoyed their presence.

It was a few years into our relationship when my stepdaughter asked me, “Can I call you Mom?”

That day…changed things for me. Suddenly, instead of someone who got to play with the children, laugh with them, watch movies and snuggle, I realized that these children were looking to me as a parental figure, whatever that was?

I stumbled through an answer to the likes of, “I think that might hurt your real Mom’s feelings.”

I then began down a trail of thought that genuinely confused me. Who was I exactly to these two children? If not their parent, and not just their friend, then Who?

What exactly is a stepparent?

I tried talking with my friends, none at the time were stepparenting. I read books. I tried to ignore my confusion, and yet life would not let it. Every day with stepchildren is a reminder: They aren’t yours.

I remember the day my stepdaughter skinned her knee, complete with blood and tears. As I held her and comforted her, she cried over and over, “I want my Mommy…I want my Mommy”. Her statements were true, and though I loved her truly, I most certainly was not and never would be her “Mommy”. She already had one of those. Bandaging her knee, I couldn’t help but think, “Who am I to you?”

At one point, my partner and his x-partner were contemplating sending my stepdaughter and stepson to a private school. I had strong opinions on this, and yet—why? The two parents were discussing a matter concerning their children—who was I to have strong opinions?

My partner was pretty amazing throughout this time, always listening and truly respecting my thoughts, but even he couldn’t really grasp the awkwardness I felt about my role as a stepparent. He, after all, had a clearly defined role as “Dad”. He was a complete and necessary component of the family that had been created before I entered the picture…What was my role in this family? What is a stepparent?

If “1,300 new stepfamilies are being created daily”, I’m sure each and every of these thousands of new stepparent will grapple with these kinds of questions that unfortunately have no set-in-stone, yes or no, definitive answers. They will feel confused, put-upon, happy and angry, up and down and wonder, wonder, wonder – What is a stepparent?

It’s not truly defined, and each family has its’ own circumstances that create different needs –blending families where each partner has kids coming in, stepfamilies where the children don’t live with one of the parents but visit often, families coming together where one partner has children and the other does not. There are as many combinations of stepfamilies as there are on rubix cube, and getting the squares to all line up is not always easy.

I’d like to offer something to these families, and to these stepparents. (Disclaimer: I’m certainly no psychiatrist, doctor or the likes. Period.)

But, this mindset I created some time ago truly helped me define MY role as a stepparent, and perhaps it will help others. I decided that I would like to be thought of as a “Step-In-Mom”, and I explained it like this:

“I will step-in where I’m needed, but I reserve the right to step-out where I am not.”

A simple tweak of the title began to allow me boundaries, and to carve out my definitive role in our family with his kids. “Stepping-In” gave me the ability to:

Fully Step-In. As in, not feel like an outsider or an afterthought to a pre-created family, but to actually “Step-In” to “Our” family. Our blended, growing and learning family.
To finally feel comfortable nurturing, guiding and advising my stepchildren MY way, albeit differently than their own mother. I began to feel comfortable “stepping-in” to the fact that I, too, had a unique influence on them and I began to feel better about them gaining some of my qualities.
This actually also helped me feel more comfortable around their mother. I no longer felt compared to her, or a threat to her. Her role as “Mom” was concrete-solid, and my role as a Stepparent had started to gain ground. It involved me actually “stepping-in” to help raise her children, as this was our situation, next to her as the Mother. Not in place of — but next to. Skinned boo-boos, lovely head lice that came to our house, time-outs when needed, as well as reading them my choice of books and telling them my family stories all felt like me being comfortable to “Step In”.

On the flip-side, “Stepping-Out” was just as necessary and helpful of a boundary, allowing me to:

Fully respect that two parents were in this picture, and while I had weight in the relationship, I did not have to weigh in on every detail. If they decided how much money went to school clothes, where the children would go for summer camp, what school they would attend – I learned that I had the right to “Step-Out” and let the parents…parent! What a weight off my shoulders!
I also began to let go of feeling like my partner and his kids needed me to be at every function/outing/etc. As if, somehow our family would only stand if we were representing our new stepfamily at every angle, or it would dissolve somehow. Allowing myself to “Step-Out” gave me a little of just Me back, the Me that wasn’t a parent yet. I remember having purchased tickets to a festival, only to find out my partner was taking the kids on a fishing trip that weekend. While both sounded fun, I decided to “Step Out” and go to the festival. It felt so good to realize I was not Needed at every family gathering, and our stepfamily was still there upon return.

I believe the kids truly appreciated my tweak of the Stepparent title, as well. They began to understand me, and how our stepfamily was blending, as I began to understand who I was to them and my role in our stepfamily.

Truthfully, almost 15 years later, I find I need to “Step-In” and “Step-Out” next to never. I am now a mother to three, with five in my heart. Our stepfamily is a blended unit, and all players understand their roles quite clearly. But, this wasn’t always the case, especially in those early, swirling years of “figuring it all out”.

If you are, or know of a newly-created stepfamily, perhaps this concept/idea/tweak-of-title could help. I know considering myself a “Step-In Parent” was truly the beginning of understanding, acceptance, healthy boundaries and …A Harmonious Stepfamily.