Michelle Mersy, C.P.C. is the mother of two wonderful children (who remind her to write on the Gratitude Wall every day), and a certified Life and Parenting Coach. She affirms, “You can have the ‘happy family’ life you always wanted, and have it feel natural and easy! Coaching can help you take action, and create whatever you desire.”
I get to go into the house first!”
“No, it’s MY TURN! You went in first LAST time!”
“NO! I got here first!”
Really?
As a life coach who often works with parents and a mother of two young kids myself, believe me: I know what it is like to be in “Survival Mode” — which is a nice way of saying “on the verge of losing my shit” — on a daily basis.
Whether it’s the kind of day where I’m pointing out the bowl of cereal on the floor 20 times, or reminding them that homework should be done now & chasing the dog chasing the cat can wait, sometimes I feel on the brink of emotional survival every waking moment of the day. Sure, I get that being a kid means things like walking into the house first is important, but more often than not I find myself saying,
“Seriously? This matters so much to you it’s worth screaming in below-freezing weather while our fingers freeze off?” Sarcasm may be fun, but it really doesn’t flatter anybody.
Sometimes it feels unfair. Parents and even kids today are so incredibly busy. If we are not shuttling back and forth from school, activities, and/or in between homes, we are doing homework, working from home, cooking, cleaning, errands, taxes (yuck!), and trying to maintain a modicum of order throughout it all. If we’re lucky, we carve out time for Family Game Night and nobody gets their head bitten off. Honestly, who has time to do anything other than survive? At the end of 18 years, we just hope and pray our children will sleep in their own beds, put their clean clothes away, and know when to say “please & thank-you” without somebody elbowing them in the ribs. Amidst all the insanity, how can we possibly find a way to even begin to indulge in “Living our Truth?
However, I am here to tell you that — “Surprise! There IS a way.” Now hear me out, because, as crazy as it sounds, I have seen it happen. I have been down this road in my own life and help other parents do the same each and every day. Now, bear with me here. Nobody, especially yours truly, is perfect. Shifting yourself and your family *completely* out of “Survival Mode” and into the “enlightened” state of (insert angel voices) *Living your Truth!* isn’t the kind of thing that will magically happen overnight. And you will slip up from time-to-time, or maybe even what feels like more often than not. That is okay. What we are doing here is something that does take time. In fact, it is a lifelong process.
Fortunately, even though this stuff is not a quick-fix, you will begin to see and feel near-instant results when you begin to practice these five simple steps. Are you ready? Here they are:
1. ACCEPT yourself and your children as you currently are.
That’s right, I said accept — this means the fighting, the messes, the everything-I-want-to-be-different, accept that is where you are right now. Accepting “What Is” — that is, seeing things as they *actually are* rather than getting mad about them not being how you want them to be, is the first step to making change in ANY area of your life. Parenting is no different. Take a step back from all of the “shoulds” you place on yourself, your children, and your family. If sibling arguments are a daily occurrence, just make note of it. Or maybe you find yourself flying off the handle when you’d rather use more even-keeled communication with them. Whatever it is that is going on in your world, the wanted AND the unwanted, simply notice it. Spend a day or few in observation mode. Finding your Truth begins with accepting what is true in the present moment. (Don’t worry, we aren’t going to *put up* with the stuff you don’t want ad infinitum. We are simply noticing it without judgment for now.)
2. Stop REACTing & Start RESPONDing.
It may seem like semantics at first, but there really is a difference between reacting and responding. When we react, we usually come from a place of intense emotion without the interjection of thought or reason. Reacting is great for wonderful moments, like when your kid gives you the Biggest.Hug.Ever. and shouts “I love you!” — not so much for those times when they are screaming “I hate you!” to your face. In those UNwanted moments you’ve observed in step #1 (Accept this is happening), then do step #2: Stop yourself from reacting. Before taking action, take a moment to tune inward, to yourself, and then to your child. What is the Truth of this situation? My child is angry, and is communicating it to me. What is my Truth? I feel upset when it is communicated in this way. Now respond, by expressing that. “I see you’re angry, and I am too. Let’s come up with something that works.” You have the right to be upset, and you can be without blaming your child. When you do this, you communicate your Truth and encourage your child to express theirs in a way that is respectful toward others.
3. Create a CONNECTION — with yourself… … &
4. Create a CONNECTION with your kids.
They say that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and that is where Connection comes in. Sure, damage control is something that cannot be avoided, whether you’ve been practicing these steps for a little or a looooong time. However, ideally we hope that over time there are fewer things we dislike that we have to #1-Accept! and #2-React — ahem, Respond — to, and that comes with practicing #3-Connection. Children crave it. Actually, we all do. We long to feel understood by others, and especially when people are important to us, we wish to understand them. Connection is a big part of our Truth — and it leads to more cooperation and less competition. But how can we feel connected to our kids if we don’t begin with ourSelves? The answer is, we can’t. As parents it is very *easy* to abdicate our own needs for the sake of everyone else’s –– especially those little beings who mean more to us than anything in the world. However, just as your child has their own essence, their own path, their own purpose in the world, so do you as well. Yes, facilitating their path is certainly part of your Truth, but there is also more to you than that. Find ways to connect with your Self, whether it be quiet time in the morning or night, journaling, jogging, drawing, or simply sitting in silence. It may sound cheesy, but really take time to listen to your heart. Ask questions, go within.
You certainly don’t need to get this handled before connecting with your kids — after all, self-awareness is a lifelong journey. But connecting with your Truth meets a very basic need, and as you do this you will find it easier to reach out and help your children with their own needs for connection — with self & others. Connecting with others (in this case, your progeny) looks different for different people, so you will need to do a little experimenting to see what works best. Maybe you talk in the car or before bed, discuss movies you watch or a book you read. Maybe you send them a text every day. The basis of connecting is really “getting” where the other person is coming from, showing that you understand and that you care. As you tune into who your child is, what they love and what makes them tick, the connection continues grow with less thought or effort. And, miraculously, so does that list of things happening that you WANT to have happen in your family and in your life. With the creation of connection, you are beginning to really feel partnership and respect, some of the benefits of Living your Truth.
5. Cultivate Appreciation in yourself and with your children — within your family and outward into the world.
Taking on an “attitude of gratitude” has all but become so cliche we barely even hear the phrase without cringing. Sometimes just hearing the phrase makes you want to cringe — if not slap somebody — especially when the baby is throwing mashed peas and your two year-old is having a meltdown with play doh on the carpet. But, as annoying as it is, this is not just some ethereal concept reserved for highly spiritual beings in moments of deep meditation. It is something that helps to restore YOUR sanity so that you don’t join your toddler kicking and screaming on the living room floor. Luckily, it is actually a tad easier than it sounds. As we begin to accept what is, respond rather than react, and create connection with ourselves and others, moments of appreciation will begin to appear — I swear, they will — naturally and sometimes unexpectedly. Keep your eye out. Look for things to be grateful for, and when you see them, cultivate that feeling by giving voice to it. Our family has a wall where we write or draw in colorful marker every time we think of something that makes us happy. (I know, I took it a little far… but I figure I’ll have to redo the walls someday anyway so… what the heck.)
Whether you take on this level of, er, commitment, to appreciation (and to repainting the house someday) or simply come up with your family’s own version of the “gratitude wall” — shouting out little things you see that you think are cool, sticky notes around the house, saying “I love you” loudly & often — continue to cultivate it. The more immersed you are in feelings of well-being, the easier it is to begin again at step #1.
Because yes, this is not a process that ever ends. It is a cycle, and after you reach the end you end up back at the beginning. Kind of like each new day of being a Parent. Or like the journaling or the jogging or chasing the dog chasing the cat. Kind of like the glorious process of finding and Living your Truth.
Michelle Mersy
+1 (989) 397-8386